Fancy a quick pint?

Last saturday i gathered together a bundle of cash and a friend and went in search of pubs in Brighton id never been to before. We went to 10 in total and this is just the beginning. Part II is already in discussion. For each pub we wrote a short bullet point review using the back of old flyers id never got round to giving out.
Here's what me and Jack got up to:

2:11 pm
Prince of Wales
This is that strange pub next to Churchill Square (next to the burger stand/JD sports). This has been here forever, yet no-one that i spoke to had ever been in there. There is a definite reason for this. Upon entrance my hungover stomach was turned by the sight of two old men struggling through a plate of sausages, chips and beans and the whiff of dementia. It was so bad infact, that i had to leave and let Jack get the first round in. Before i turned though i did manage to see some odd WWII pictures that adorned the walls. It said stuff like "NICE TRY ADOLF!". The pints we had were sour and the entertainment consisted of an old hippie wailing through Plan B songs with an acoustic guitar outside. I did see an 8 year old kid jump a flight of steps on a Micro Scooter though. Big ups.

According to our notes this got a 0/10 but the 'Nazi Shit' got a +2 so..

Overall - 2/10

3:07pm
The Iron Duke
After a brief stop in Primark for some shoes and sunglasses, we walked to Waterloo Street in Hove to this boozer / hotel due to being told it showed the football, which it promptly did.
Was a nice vibe in here, although a few too many children for our liking. However that said, it did manage to have a pool table, 3 big screens and a function room without being a shithole, which i suppose is some kind of achievement. Plus Peroni on tap which is always a bonus.

We gave the Iron Duke a 7/10 but Jack started moaning later in the day and this was turned into a retrospective...

Overall: 6/10

3:50pm
The Paris....Something
At half time in the football we decided it was time to move on. Tried to go to CAPS SPORTS BAR on Western Road but it wasnt showing the football. Worst sports bar ever? So after i threw a little strop we decided the football was rubbish anyway so went to a newly refurbished The Juggler; which is now called The Paris Something. The first thing we were greeted with was a basket of baguettes and croissants. If you know me and jack this was an automatic +1 for us. When it came to ordering drinks though, we were promptly told they "only sold half pints". Rubbish. Interior was acceptable, even if it did feel a bit like laurence Llewelyn-Bowen had been let loose in a Cafe Rouge.

According to our notes the lack of whole pints got them -5 but an extra point for making our hands look bigger.

Overall: 4/10

4:30pm
The Conquerer
Found this pub my mistake while looking for a different pub. Its located behind The Old Market venue was we were pleasantly surprised. It showed the football, was in a nice quiet location and food sounded like it might actually have been tasty.

According to our notes the carpets to the toilet were 'springy' and it got a +1 for having a "friendly dog with big balls". Plus Jack liked the fact it held a Meat Raffle there every sunday.

Overall: 6.5 / 10

5:26pm
Robin Hood
Had never been here but had heard good things. All profits from this pub go to charity once all bills and wages are paid, which even in my cynical brain is still a definite nice touch. We were starting to get a bit drunk by this point so the notes get a bit more obscure. We got very excited that there was bunting hanging off the walls apparently, and the barmaid got a +1 for knowing that Jack fancied her. The size of the place surprised us, as it looks very small from the outside and the decor was comfortable, albeit very "standard Brighton pub".

According to our notes we very much liked the fact they sold Rizlas and Filters here. Although that was probably just because had been Jack poncing both off me all day.

Overall: 6.5/10

6:21pm
Rock'n'Roller
This definitely isnt a pub but we were both dying for a piss so were forced in here by our weak bladders. This is a Pool hall / restaurant / bar for West Street types who have grown tired of the Gammon and Chips at Wetherspoons. Its situated opposite Waitrose on Western Road and is actually a lovely building that has been many things over the years. Paid £10 for an hour of pool but left after 25 minutes. Barstaff were very friendly but apparently "Jack felt nervous as he entered". Also all pints were served in plastic glasses which meant an automatic -5.

According to our notes the toilets were "missions/out of breath"

Overall: 3/10

6:56
Prince Arthur
Hadnt even known this pub had existed until we (literally) stumbled upon it after finding the similarly situated Shakespeares Head closed on a saturday night? No idea what was happening there. The Prince Arthur looked inviting as we walked up the road (Just up from Mcdonalds on Western Road if memory serves) with nice benches, flowers and lights. Jack even marked the pub a +1 for the "nice lights" so they must've been fucking good lights. Walking inside was a different kettle of fish however. Was extremely sterile and also extremely empty, except for two queens propping up the bar. Got our drinks and sat outside. We were quickly joined by the landlord who in fairness, was extremely friendly if slightly defensive about his pub. We told him we were writing a review and he offered us a free roast if we came back on sunday which was very kind. Dont think we'll be taking him up on his offer however.

According to our notes the selection of beer was shit and the clientele was marked as "none". Being next to Mcdonalds got it a +1 though.

Overall - 5/10

7:47
Kings Arms
At this point in the evening we were joined by Nick, our "Cock Friendly" friend. With this in mind we decided to head into Kemptown to sample some more of what the Brighton gay scene had to offer. I actually have no idea whether this is a gay pub or not actually...it all gets a bit hazy at this point. I'll let the notes do the talking:

- Gay Bar at Butlins -1 (!?!)
- Nicks here +2
- Old Dj + 1
- Not sour beer
- BANKSY -20 (The walls were covered in banksy prints, i remember that much)

Overall: 3/10

8:35
The Queens Arms
Now we actually cheated here, cos we'd all been to this gem before. If you've never been to the Queens Arms before (which really wouldnt be that surprising, even if you are gay) then let me break it down for you: Its a cabaret bar situated opposite the Kings Arms off St James St. The name of the road escapes me but its up from the Starbucks. It has a plethora of critically acclaimed cabaret stars, such as my favourite; (who we had missed unfortunately) Robbie. Its camp beyond belief and also slightly scary for gay and straight alike. I remember it had huge Oscars all over the place for some reason, and also quite possibly the least convincing drag queen i have ever seen. Not for the squeamish, but definitely a laugh.

Heres the notes we took - I dont really know what we were on about:

- Atmosphere +9 (!)
- Weird Bloke +10 - Then crossed out and changed to +3
- Decor +5
- Friendly Guy +5
- General Wrongness +10
- General Wrongness -10

Overall 7/10

9:20
Marine Tavern
We went here because the landlord of the Prince Arthur had told us it was the smallest pub in Brighton. However he was clearly chatting absolute balls. All i remember from being in here is having an absolute screaming arguement about Gay Saunas and the landlady asking us if we wanted a microphone. Im gunna have to let the notes do the talking here again, not that i can really make any of Jacks scribblings out. They really are the scrawlings of a madman:

- Arguments +6
- Decor Fucheng (...)
- Being looked at by everyone +5
- Conrad being here -8

Overall: 5/10


At this point, we left and carried on our arguments in the street. Jack ended up starting on me and Nick 'cos he thought we were calling him right wing. We then went to meet some less than impressed friends at Fitzherberts and finished the night falling over in the PavTav. Classy.

Jack ended up throwing up in his bath and i woke up £120 out of pocket.

Sunday was the worst day of my life.


WINNER = THE QUEENS ARMS (somehow)